why did i choose me as the main character if it makes me so awkward? ♡

    I think the reason may be that I've never read about a character I could fully relate to, not only appearance wise, but truly feelings wise. It always bothered me that issues like self-esteem and fear of abandonment and fear of trusting someone and anything like that, were so easily delt with and the authors made the character get over it so fast, without struggle, without any of the real healing process and difficulties to get there.

    Another reason would be that, in other books I read where the main character is chubby/fat, it is rather romanticized and doesn't mention the depth of the suffering that goes with growing up fat. I never see authors write about what it's like being fat, even when they represent fat people in their art. So I decided to do it. Being fat isn't just a trope in a romance book. It's trauma and growing up hating yourself. It's not your mother calling you names and the love interest hearing it and reassuring you. It's being frowned upon for existing, by the entire world, and not believing a single word anyone says because of it. And I'm honestly tired of authors not writing about the depth of how painful it all is just because being fat becomes their main character's personality trait and a mere convenience for the love interest to take action and nothing more.

    I've also never seen a fat characters with eating disorders (more specifically, I have never ever read in my life about a fat character starving themselves). Which is like...crazy. Most fat people have eating disorders, and not all of us binge LOL. I can't believe I even have to mention that because it's ridiculous, honestly. How come the lack of representation chocked me to the point of writing it myself? Seriously.

    Not being able to relate to anything or anyone is a very lonely feeling, and I think I got exhausted of trying to read anything that made me feel the opposite of how I intended to feel while picking up the book. That was a very long sentence to say that I basically wrote the books so no one who felt like me would pick up my books and feel like they can't relate because the characters are just...too fictional to be relatable, if that makes sense.

    I wanted to change my character's name before truly putting it out there, but most of the people who helped me through the process and were such wonderful people with me had already read the book as is, and I didn't want to confuse them or change the name of the main character. It was inconvenient in many aspects. It makes me awkward to explain it to people I know, friends or acquaintances, but I learned to just accept the embarrassment and embrace it. After all, I think I did something good by trying to write something that would bring comfort to others, myself included, and making myself the main character was what helped me write the story in depth and know what I wanted to tell the world. I don't think I should have wanted to change anything in the first place anymore. I'm glad I kept everything I could!

    After all, she is me. Her personality, her humour, her thoughts, her trauma, her issues, even her looks. Sometimes, I can't believe there are finally books out there, where I am the main character. Mama we made it!!

Rea